My Love/Hate Relationship With Myself

Love and Hate

“If I lose my excess weight…” 

  • I will like whom I see in the mirror.
  • I will enjoy buying clothing.
  • I will have more energy.
  • I will want to go more places and try more things that are new.
  • I will look forward to bumping into old friends.
  • My diseases might improve.
  • People will not judge me so harshly.
  • I will be able to fit into my very nice clothing again.
  • I will enjoy my life so much more.
  • It will build my confidence to push towards other goals. 

 “I hate being fat because…”

  • It makes me horribly insecure.
  • It robs me of vitality.
  • I fear I will die young from it.
  • It makes me self-conscious in intimacy.
  • I can barely squeeze down the aisle in the airplane or get the airplane seatbelt on.
  • I worry about which chair I sit on, as I do not want to break it.
  • Others do not understand how difficult my struggle and they all have the easy answers that will not work for either our family or me.
  • I feel ugly.
  • I feel out of control.
Published in: on January 23, 2010 at 6:17 am  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thankyou for your blog. Serendipity brought me here when I was at my lowest, and it has been like reading my own diary. I call myself a “freak of nature” as a term of endearment because I have to battle my own body on a minute by minute basis and no-one understands this hell I call “my life”. I’m about to lose my job because my body is a fat storing machine. I followed well meant advice from friends, family and so-called experts…and the scale kept creeping up and up. I was working out 3 hours a day and was down to virtual starvation. My legs are a constant agony from the hours of cardio, and the constant pain has left me an emotional wreck, unable to cope with additional stress and as such I tend to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation and people think I’m unstable. They just don’t get it. To avoid having to deal with that I’ve become a virtual recluse. Today I was about to give up completely and accept that maybe happiness wasn’t meant for me. That I’d end up on unemployment benefits at the age of 44 because my employer values a number on a scale above productivity and talent and hard work…but maybe I’ll give it another go because I just discovered I’m not such a freak. Thankyou.

  2. Dear Christine: Thank you so much for your honesty.
    Your comment has brought me to tears. Sometimes, I feel so alone in my struggle, yet your story brings a dose of reality. Can you imagine how many others out there must be in our shoes?

    I am sorry you are dealing with an employer, family, and friends who do not comprehend how different our bodies can be in response to food and exercise. I feel your pain, as you describe it, as if it were my own. I wish I could give you a hug to encourage you.

    I am here if and when you need a friend to encourage you through this rough time. It would be nice to have support with people who can and do understand. Not sure where you stand per religion issues, but I will be praying for you today!

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